Creating a safe space this festive season
Merry. Happy. Jolly. Joy. These are some of the most used words at this time of year.
But the reality for many people is that they don’t feel merry, happy, jolly or joyful. They are experiencing sadness, grief, loneliness, depression and anxiety. This might be you too.
These feelings can be exacerbated at this time of year because there is an expectation and focus on being festive and joyful to the exclusion of these other feelings that are ignored or pushed aside or even shamed (along the lines of “It’s Christmas! Be happy!”) These other feelings want and deserve care, attention and a place at the table as well.
Photo from Unsplash by Markus Spiske
When I write of this, I speak from my own personal experience…
My mother died on the 19th December when I was just 20 years old. I not only lost my mother, but I lost my family structure as I knew it, my sense of belonging and my Christmas traditions. A few years later, my grandfather died on the 20th December and I experienced more grief and loss at Christmas.
Mine was a complicated grief because of deep and painful mother wounds. My siblings (full and half) had their own unresolved wounds from my mother too. Because of this, it was easier (aka trigger avoiding) to not speak about Mum.
For many, many years, Christmas was an excruciating time of year for me. Mum’s anniversary would trigger grief. Our family gathered together before Christmas and on Christmas day I often had nowhere I felt like I belonged. I used to deeply love Christmas time but grew to dread it.
At out family Christmas gathering, I found it difficult to show up and join in wholly because I wasn’t happy or joyful and I felt like I had to hide it because we didn’t speak about Mum, grief, pain or loss, especially at Christmas. It was excluded.
When we focus on any one thing to the exclusion of others we push the other into the shadows. We make it unsafe for someone whose experience is in the minority to feel like they can turn up with their experience and feelings. They may exclude themselves and not show up as their true self, or if they do show up, they may present the face that is expected and hide the truth of who they really are. You’ve seen this a lot in the world in regards to race, gender and sexual orientation.
Excluding parts of a person or their experience is painful. You will know this from the times your feelings or needs have been ignored. It hurts or angers and shames. Shame can be an icky, sticky and tricky state because it requires safe witnessing to heal, which isn’t possible when there is exclusion or avoidance.
When I showed up at Christmas, I hid my pain as best I could because when I surveyed the room everyone else was happy. I felt like I was the only one grieving and struggling and had to keep it to myself. It also didn’t feel safe to talk about Mum because she was a triggering topic. I felt really alone in my experience and it was painful.
Then one day this changed.
Our family Christmas catch up was scheduled for the 19th of December, the anniversary of Mum’s death. I tried to convince myself but I just couldn’t make myself go knowing that the anniversary wouldn’t be acknowledged and Mum wouldn’t be spoken of. I felt anxiety, dread and upset.
So I confided this in my eldest sister. She understood, and to my surprise got on the phone to other family members and this is how our memory candle ritual was born.
Photo from Unsplash by @mercedesbosquet
I was not the only one missing a loved one at Christmas. Other family members and attendees had lost sisters, parents, grandparents and partners too. So every Christmas gathering, we light the memory candle, name them and remember them and those who can’t physically be there with us.
At first it was awkward. It was new and unusual for us. Over time we have found our way to make it easeful.
The memory candle ritual was simple yet powerfully healing because
It creates a safe space for grief and loss to be present at Christmas.
It reminds us and that we have all experienced losses and unites us in the shared experience of loss.
It honours our ancestors, loved ones and diverse feelings.
It includes and allows the reality of what is and not just the easier, shinier more palatable parts.
Welcoming, allowing, including and accepting makes it safer for you to show up as you are and not hide these parts away.
I believe that the best gift you can offer anyone in your life is to welcome them as they are, to drop any expectations you have that the festive season should be a happy affair for all, and make a space at the table for people as they actually are. This is how you make Christmas truly holy, by welcoming the whole of people.
These days, I can more fully, easefully and authentically show up and participate in Christmas as I am. Because of my experience, this time of year evokes within me a deeper compassion for others.
In my world right now, I know people who are struggling with anxiety, homelessness, loneliness, financial uncertainty, family and relationship conflict, separations and serious illnesses. For some this is the first (or another) Christmas without a loved one, which brings with it with the loss of Christmas they used to know when their loved one was alive, the loss of the old family or social structure and even displacement through adult orphaning, exclusion or isolation.
If you see yourself in any of what I have written, I extend to you deep tenderness and acceptance of how you are, who you are, your feelings and experience. May this create a small safe space for you to be as you are with all of your feelings, more whole and de-pressured from the expectation of a joyful Christmas.
With love and courage,
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