Have you ever asked yourself either or both of these questions: What’s wrong with me? Why aren’t I like everybody else?
 
These are questions my clients sometimes ask me in session. I also know they are questions many people ask themselves quietly inside and never voice to anyone else, because I’ve been there and done that too.
 
In my late 20’s, I entered my first Dark Night of the Soul. A long period of suffering and despair as the life I built that I thought would make me happy unraveled.
 
My long-term relationship had died but I stayed in it. The job I had loved had grown into something that was no longer suited to who I was yet I stubbornly stayed in despite the stress and anxiety. I was lonely and isolated, and too embarrassed and fearful to show or tell anyone what was happening inside me.
 
I looked around at my colleagues, family and other people I knew who didn’t seem to be struggling or isolated like I was and so I asked that question: What’s wrong with me? If everyone else seemed to be able to live a happy life with ease of social connections, then surely there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t. Some flaw, something irrevocably broken or wrong.
 
On top of all the existing pain and suffering, my innocent yet ill-perceived answer and reasoning added layers of shame. I was ashamed of the state of my life and especially ashamed of my loneliness and perceived wrongness so I did my best to pretend I was okay and hide my misery.
 
Asking “what’s wrong with me?” is never the right question to ask, because the question is fundamentally flawed. It assumes that there can be something wrong with you. It usually comes from a belief that you are or can be wrong or flawed. And that belief is often developed at a very young age, when your consciousness is still developing and can’t really understand what is happening at the time.
 
Asking “What’s wrong with me?” is a cry for help from those younger parts of ourselves that didn’t receive sufficient witnessing and guidance from an elder or caregiver, wasn’t witnessed at all, was emotionally neglected or abused. It can form so young, when you're a pre-verbal even, if a parent is unable to consistently meet your needs. Without witnessing and guidance, the young psyche makes up stories and reasons for why things are they way they are, and it usually blames itself in order to maintain connection and belonging.
 
Self turns on self.
 
Instead of being able to see and understand that “hey this person is being really mean to me” or “I’m a really quiet, sensitive person amongst a group of outgoing extroverts” the self tells a story that those other people are are right or normal and I am wrong. It’s a story that’s kept inside, reinforced again and again until it becomes a fact to the self. In doing so we end up consistently othering ourselves and never feeling like we belong anywhere, never feeling good enough and hiding who we really are.
 
This story and belief is common. Many of us hold it or have held it inside. It’s also a heart-breaking story. The belief and the shame cause so much pain and suffering, and the trait or quality that has been judged goes into hiding and isn’t allowed to express itself causing more suffering whether it be pain, deadening or depression. This is a huge loss of soul, loss to the soul and loss to the world.
 
From my experience sitting with my clients who have asked “What’s wrong with me?” what has been judged in them or made to be wrong is usually a gift or uniqueness that may be different to the traits of their family or social groups and not understood by them yet alone appreciated or valued. Some families and groups have very rigid and fixed ideas about how a member of their group should be (spoken or unspoken.) These can be the complete opposite of your innate nature.
 
Although disallowed by those around them, the traits and qualities are usually a gift and much needed medicine to the world because they are different and often the opposite of what is dominating the group. Quiet when there is too much loud. Sensitivity and deep feeling when there is too much rationality and intellect. Chaos and spontaneity when there is too much seriousness, orderliness and rigidness. Or you can even flip these around. The opposite can also be true.
 
One of the great fallacies that I grew up with was believing that when I turned 18 I would become an adult and stop being a child, just like flicking a light switch.

But being human doesn’t work that way.

Yes you become an adult, but you will always have younger parts of you that live inside you. They remind you not to be too serious, have more fun, tap into your imagination, be outlandish, take naps, have a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, paint outside the lines and make a big, colourful, joyful mess!  They also hold pains and unmet needs that require your care, your nurturing, your witnessing and re-parenting.
 
So dear one, if you ever ask me “What’s wrong with me?” I will not only tell you that there is nothing wrong with you but I will witness for you all the amazing qualities, traits and gifts that live inside you and your soul and help you to see that about yourself, because you are more amazing and brilliant than you realise.
 
I will talk gently and lovingly to the young hurt child inside you and be that loving witness and presence that was missing back when “there’s something wrong with me” started.
 
I will help you learn to be that witness and parent for yourself, to love and affirm yourself deeply and reclaim the expression of those misjudged traits and gifts so you can be free to be yourself even if that’s very different from the people around you.

Because this world needs you as you, with all the gifts and medicine that can only come through you.

And your soul needs you to become as you as you can possibly be. It's why you're here.  To be you, express you, experience life as you and gift life and others as you.

With love and courage for you and your soul,

Kym xx

PS If you need some help to find your way through and out of the pain and suffering of feeling like there’s something wrong with you, book a session or free 20 minute chat to find out how I can help you.

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